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2 posts from March 2013

March 18, 2013

Today's Mantra: It Does Not Help

It does not help to beat myself up for having no energy today, although I "feel fine."

It does not help to wonder if I just got up and put on street clothes would I feel differently.

It does not help to wonder if I'm just being lazy.

It does not help to reflect on how "curious" it is that sometimes "fatigue" means nothing more than a complete lack of will, and all the while secretly think that it's a cover for laziness. (Isn't it?)

It does not help to force myself into the presence of others when I'm in a "bad mood," thinking that I should just "get over myself."

It does not help to know intellectually that a "bad mood" means I'm tired today, but not to act appropriately on that knowledge.

It does not help to behave as if I'm not sick.

It does not help to be stoic. I do not have the energy to be stoic.

It does not help to second guess the decisions I make about being tired. I know when I have energy, and I equally know when I don't.

It does not help to waste time and brain space "regretting" that this time in my life is wasted. I have nothing to regret. I haven't done anything wrong. This is just a more subtle way of calling myself lazy.

It does not help to feel badly about not writing today, this week, this month. I do what I can.

It does not help to think that this is not who I am, really. This is really who I am, now. I am not my disease, but I am my responses to it, among other things.

... and yes, I am acting, slowly, on things that might help. Suggestions, and especially referrals, would help.

March 11, 2013

Check-In

I don't really have much to say. Haven't lately, which is why I haven't posted. But I did promise (myself) that I'd post weekly, and I'm way overdue. So here's what I've been thinking about:

  1. Was told recently by a friend trying to sell an urban fantasy series that the agents say UF is over. It's a depressing thing to say when you've just told somebody you're working on a UF series. Also: do I care if the industry says "UF is over"? If I do actually finish this book and nobody buys it, I'll just post it on the web.
  2. If I got well again, would I go back to being an arts administrator, especially an executive? I have no idea. I know the first thing I would do would be to go away somewhere and get da nobble finished. In fact, my first priority would be to get my writing habit reestablished (something I'm trying to do now.) But would I go back to a regular arts admin job and let it potentially swallow up my writing practice (again)? Hm.
  3. I'm going to cut my hair short this week. This is what I'm thinking. I need a short haircut that doesn't read "guy," and that works with wavy hair. Thoughts?
  4. Trying to get it through to my parents (who are in town for a month) that I can't see them every day. If I do, I can't do anything else. Sigh.
  5. This kerfuffle makes me tired. This fight was already fought. Why was it unfought? Why are we fighting it again? Argh! I love this, which is Kate Harding saying basically: we all have to live in this world and make compromises with the institutions that run it. Being a good feminist doesn't mean you never compromise; it means, rather, that you cop to your compromise when you make one, and admit that you're contributing to the status quo, even while you're explaining why you did it.
  6. And finally, this is this week's happy.

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