Today's Mantra: It Does Not Help
It does not help to beat myself up for having no energy today, although I "feel fine."
It does not help to wonder if I just got up and put on street clothes would I feel differently.
It does not help to wonder if I'm just being lazy.
It does not help to reflect on how "curious" it is that sometimes "fatigue" means nothing more than a complete lack of will, and all the while secretly think that it's a cover for laziness. (Isn't it?)
It does not help to force myself into the presence of others when I'm in a "bad mood," thinking that I should just "get over myself."
It does not help to know intellectually that a "bad mood" means I'm tired today, but not to act appropriately on that knowledge.
It does not help to behave as if I'm not sick.
It does not help to be stoic. I do not have the energy to be stoic.
It does not help to second guess the decisions I make about being tired. I know when I have energy, and I equally know when I don't.
It does not help to waste time and brain space "regretting" that this time in my life is wasted. I have nothing to regret. I haven't done anything wrong. This is just a more subtle way of calling myself lazy.
It does not help to feel badly about not writing today, this week, this month. I do what I can.
It does not help to think that this is not who I am, really. This is really who I am, now. I am not my disease, but I am my responses to it, among other things.
... and yes, I am acting, slowly, on things that might help. Suggestions, and especially referrals, would help.