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February 21, 2006

Frequently Asked Questions

How tall are you?

This tall. If you would like actual numbers, you can upgrade to an executive account for just $195.95 per month (limited time offer)! Minimum membership period one year. Standard nondisclosure agreements apply. Restrictions vary by region and mood. You may be eligible for a discount if you are: my doctor, my tailor, my mother, a very hot man who wants to buy me a pretty dress, the hangglider pilot on my tandem flight who has to make sure we both stay in the air.


I only ask because I [have a (friend/cousin/boyfriend's other woman/neighbor)] [met a (woman/girl/anthropomorphic object) the other day] who is [number here] feet [exaggerated number here] inches tall!

I have no response to that because I sincerely don't give a fuck.


How did you get so tall?

I grew.


Where are you from?

San Francisco.


Oh, you grew up here?

No.


Um ... I mean, what's your nationality?

American.


No, I mean what's your ethnic background?

I don't feel like telling you today. Now, examine why you are insulted.


You don't need to be ashamed of your height/your ethnicity. It's beautiful!

You don't need to be ashamed of your ears. Despite what everyone says, that shape and size is beautiful! Just ignore what everyone says! Oh, you don't know what everyone says? Well, just ignore it! You don't need to be ashamed! Your ears are exotic and striking and beautiful! Yay your ears!


And what do you do?

Field intrusive questions from strangers, passive aggression from women, and aggressive aggression from men. I also surf sometimes.


No, I meant what do you do for a living?

That's such a peculiar phrase "do for a living", don't you think? What I do to live is breathe, then drink water, then eat, then wear clothes ... but on a more metaphysical level, what I do to live is think about myself, other people, the world, and our place and position and structure relative to one another. Then I express my thoughts in various ways. Then I attempt to enact some sort of ethical performance (called "life") based upon these thoughts. And I sing karaoke sometimes.


What is/are your karaoke song/s?

"Smooth Operator", and "Dreams" (by Fleetwood Mac). Also, the art director at Hyphen magazine has arbitrarily assigned "Hopelessly Devoted to You" to me. I don't remember why.


What are your favorite books/authors?

If I paint my naked breasts with woad and do an hour-long shimmy over your head to the song stylings of David Hasselhof, will you promise never, ever to ask anyone that question ever again, ever?


What are your favorite movies?

"The Sum of All Fears", "Chronicles of Riddick", "Castaway", "The Net", "Brokedown Palace", "Escape from Witch Mountain", "The Man With the Golden Gun" ... that's all I can think of right now. Oh, and "Parenthood".


What are you like?

Bullshit! Nobody asks that! Nobody ever asks that!


I'm asking now: What are you like?

I'm a bitch.

Comments

Your blog is exotic and striking and beautiful. You don't need to be ashamed of your blog. It could use a little more wisecracking and a little less breathless earnestness, but breathless earnestness is just so you!!!!
Yaay your blog!!!!!

PS. It also cracks me up.

If I get the upgrade, will you throw in a free teeth-whitening, with real dental=professional bleach trays?

no, because, like your ears, you don't need to be ashamed of your teeth, despite what everyone says. you might consider checking out the "administrative upgrade", though, for a mere $2019.95/month, minimum membership period 10 years. This includes two cosmetic procedures semi-annually. sign-up bonus is free skin whitening and eyelid surgery.

On the tall comments. As you know, it's their prob not yours. They're just jealous.

I know because I asked you and I am very very jealous. I'm 172.5 cms (Scott says that's 5 foot 8 inches, whatever) and stopped growing when I was 12. Just when I'd gotten used to being ten centimetres taller than everyone else and was all poised to grow up to be the tallest woman in all the world and the queen of world basketball. Every time I see a tall woman I am stabbed with jealousy and bitterness at the unjustness of stopping growing so prematurely. I am unhappy with how short I am. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! Clearly this is my problem and I need therapy.

I'm offended, however, by your comments about my ears. They're not that big, okay? And even if they are what's it to you? There's nothing wrong with my feet either, Claire. So you can just back off.

And, Claire, there's nothing to be ashamed about in being American. Some of my best friends are American . . . though obviously I wouldn't let my sister marry one.

Are those your real teeth?

god, justine, some people are soooo sensitive.

You should talk! I'm not hearing you answer the question about your teeth . . .

I see that Justine has never gotten over the fact that I'm taller than she is. She has better hair though.

The thought of someone painted with woad and shimmying to the song stylings of David Hasselhof is truly terrifying. I'm smitten. Plus, you live in San Francisco which is the most bestest city in the world--I, alas, have been living in exile from my beloved city with only occasional visitation rights. So I guess I'm jealous too.
Anon

actually, i *do* need to be ashamed of my ears. they are wicked, wicked, ears, and they have heard many shameful things.

but that's okay. i *like* being ashamed of my ears.

dkp (who hasn't had *enough* of the **askterisking** *today*)

justine: ...

shelly rae: what are you trying to say? are you trying to say that the prospect of seeing my woad-painted breasts isn't enticing? hmmm?

dennis: you *don't* have to asterisk. you can use html tags. i done it on purpose. of course, if you *want* to asterisk, then risk ter ass away.

Oh I certainly think that woad smeared breast are the cat's meow---it's the second part of the image that fills me with foreboding. And I have a high tolerance for noise having attended a great number of SRL events. I mean really! Have you seen this?
http://www.republicoft.com/index.php/archives/2006/01/14/ooga-chaka/
Terrifying I say!
Anon

Someone else who likes Escape to Witch Mountain! I just ran into that at my local video rental store the other day and now I need to score a copy for myself. When I was a kid, I used to have the LP (it had a condensed version of the movie dialogue). Used have that sucker memorized, too. "Welcome to Longview." Good stuff!

The sequel, however, was sadly disappointing, even if Tia did grow up to be a hottie. I think I wrote my one and only fanfic about Tony and Tia when I was eight or nine (and no, it wasn't slashfix), and I used to have regular dreams in which I discovered I was a formerly undiscovered descendant of the Witch Mountain folk. *sigh

I can't wait to see my kids' reactions. They'll think I was so lame.

devin: sadly, i was being sarcastic. i actually got into "witch mountain" through a novelization (i would eat-- er ... read anything at that age) when i was about 8 or so. i loooooved the novel. so i tried to see the movie but then found out that it had come out a year or two before and i couldn't see it anymore. much, much later, when vcrs were ubiquitous and i was old enough to rent stuff for myself, i rented it ... but by that time i was too old and the movie just kinda sucked.

but i comfort myself that i would've loved it if i'd seen it way back when.

Oh, it totally sucks. That's half of why I liked it -- I had no taste as a kid. The concept was fun -- kids with crazy mental powers.

At least Witch Mountain, in any of its incarnations, never sucked as hard as _The Powers of Matthew Starr_...

wasn't life just more fun before the discrimination of taste?

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