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June 15, 2007

Reasons Zombies Bore Me

(and also, Reasons Vampires Are Still Cooler)

    1. Zombies are strong, but not fast (unless you mess with tradition). Vampires are strong and fast.

      Zombies are ugly and smelly (and vampires are often sexy, though they can also be ugly and smelly, if you need that.)

      Zombies shuffle. Vampires fly.

      28 Days did not invent the Zombie-as-virus idea, only revealed it, rather obviously too, I think. Zombism is an uncontrollable epidemic, like the Black Plague. Mindless and terrifying, not intelligent or calculating. Zombism and zombies have no agency and cannot make choices. They are neither interesting as individual characters, nor as a force of nature. They are merely the dark stain on a good land, spreading. This gives agency only to the people holding out against the zombies. That makes for a much less complex story.

      Vampires, of course, are individuals, and spread their disease on a one-by-one basis. Even when the victim has no choice, the vampire always does. This is why vampires end up anti-heroes in recent pop culture: because they can make choices for good or evil ... or both. Vampire stories are naturally more complex, involving choice-making heroes and villians.

      Being overtaken by a zombie reveals a secret wish--not for death, but for relief from rational, responsible, decision-making adulthood. I understand this wish. But then, you are released into being ugly, smelly, shuffling, and brain-eating. Why not just do drugs instead? Or, you know, get enchanted by elves or something? At least with elves you might get laid--against your rational will, of course.

      While there are female zombies, zombies tend to be a male thing--a mirroring of the male projection of rampant, mindless, violent masculinity. There's no female stereotype that mirrors this. The female stereotype is more like ... hmmm, a vampire. It's no coincidence that early twentieth century femmes fatales were called "vamps".

      And finally: I'd rather eat blood sausage than sweetbreads, okay? Just a personal preference.

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    zombies just scare me.

    and yeah i'd definitely want to be killed by a hot vampire than ravaged by a zombie. at least when i come back as vampire i won't mindless drone.

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